Lately, I used to think about my path of life. Should I just follow the simple path just like others? Or should I create my own path and take every lesson learnt from my own mistakes and move on, till I found my dream life.

My life has come to a few junctions. Which one should I pick?

Sometimes I dream of myself in a brand new place, leaving behind my circle of friends, leaving behind my family and relatives, my company and fellow colleagues. I dream of myself starting a new life in a strange place. Applying a new job, collecting new friends and creating new sets of memories.

Life itself is a journey. Decision making is part of it. And I know for certain that one day, I will be telling my little grandchilds how my exciting life was.

Found this picture on the net, and someday I wish I can tell somebody just the same thing

So what is really bothering me for the past few weeks?

I can’t sleep at night, sleepy during daytime.

I am back addicted to black coffee.

I come back home late everyday, knowing there is nothing to do at home, I chose to stay at the office, complete my jobs and have dinner with colleagues.

Apparently, I have been digesting series of unfortunate events in my life. Well, I shouldn’t be complaining in the first place. Ampun.

I watched FRIENDS this morning, this time Rachel is celebrating her 30^th birthday. Kinda depressing for her, knowing she has no boyfriend and the number keeps going on. I can’t help but thinking, what if I stuck like this till I reach 30? My dear friend Suhana must be freaking out if we discuss about the AGE issue. Argghh…

Oh, I think I desperately need a vacation!

This is an entry about a woman, who I adore and always do for the rest of my life.

First of all, I do not know how I am going to write, to comprehend each and every single attribute about her, I doubt my ability to express my gratitude having her in my life.

My mother is not like any other mother in this world, as far that I have noticed. I considered my mother as a modern mother. She grew up in a big city, within a moderate family background. My mother doesn’t always tell us, the siblings much about her childhood life. She rarely tells us about her family trees. I do not even know the name of my great grand father / mother. And for God sake, I just am being told by my grandmother that my late grandfather is actually an INDONESIAN. How bizarre, to know that I am not totally a Malaysian

She, amongst her other siblings, is the most quiet person yet very helpful to the family. My aunt once told me that mom didn’t have many friends during her teenage life; she liked to sleep after school, did her homework and went to bed early at night.

As far as I can remember, my mother is a hardworking person in her career. I remember being told that she worked as a clerk before she got married, and she hitch a lorry everyday to get to work. She then worked as a nurse, got married to my father, took Bachelor Degree after having 3 kids, took Master Degree after my little brother was born, and now still working, although she has already retired a year ago. She is now preparing her new proposal for PhD.

Being a wife and a mother to 4 kids, I would say my mother doesn’t have much ‘housewife’s skills’ like others. She cooks typical meals everyday, yet we still long for her cooking each time balik kampung. She always recycles last night’s cooking for today’s breakfast. She doesn’t bake; she doesn’t make any kuih raya. She always serve goreng pisang and cucur during tea time. Her specialty is soto ayam, which I crave for every festive season.

And lately, for the past few months, I have been thinking about my whole life. Am I being obedient to my parents, all this while? Did my parents feel disappointed with my decisions so far? Sometimes, when I insist on something, without listening to my parents, did I actually hurt them? I am 26 years old this coming August, can’t really believe I’m this old. And for the past 26 years, I wonder, how many times have I hurt my mother. Ampun mak…

Amazingly, despite all the troubles we have created since we were kids, mother would always stay still, stay put. She is such a strong woman. She never listened to others; she only listens to her own instinct and her own heart. How I wish to be as strong as mother. I know she cries sometimes, for our shortcomings, but believe me mother, I would never have any intention to hurt you. And at this moment of time, I really miss you mak

5 June would be mom’s 57^th birthday.

Selamat hari lahir mak. Semoga mak dipanjangkan umur, dan dikurniakan kebahagiaan dunia dan akhirat. Baby minta ampun atas segala salah silap. I love you so much.

My work is brilliant, I think I progressively learn a lot and significantly contribute to my project team. Hopefully. At the mean time, I mingle around with primary and secondary students, trying so hard to be a motivator. Well, I don’t think I’m born to motivate, I am more to listening. But kids are fun to be with. At my first encounter with a standard 4 boy, of Sekolah Bukit Pantai, I was speechless. This is the reason why.

Cikgu, saya mengantuk lah. Malam tadi saya tido pukul 3 pagi.

Eh, kamu buat apa sampai tido pukul 3 pagi?

Saya tengok orang merempit kat belakang rumah saya.

Huh?

Come to think of it, few months before, I made a decision to occupy myself with anything that can contribute to company, environment & young generations. So here I am, catching my breath every single day I do nag sometimes, but in the end of the day, I realised that I have to love what I am doing. If teaching all those adolescence is my task, then I’m more than willing to serve my level best. Afterall, these kids are our young Malaysians, our future leaders. Eceh..

I realised as time goes by, my close friends are slowly but surely moving on, progressing in their own life. My close friend, who reported duty on the same day with me, is getting married soon, and now tasked at fabrication yard Ramunia. Another close friend, whom I always have morning toast set at kopitiam with, just met with his wonderful soul mate. My Kelantanese Aiman is very busy with various groups of friends. Used to lepak with him and Suhana on every Friday night at Old Town Kopitiam beside MRR2.

Whatever it is, friends will always be friends. My college friends, whom I really close to, are having their good time somewhere on this earth. Wish them all the best in life.

I am not sure what I am babbling about in this write up. It’s already 3 am. Good night to all my friends out there. A brighter day is surely waiting for me tomorrow!

Come to think of it, for the past 25 years, as I grew bigger and older, I learned to make such drastic and crazy decisions one after another. Where did I learn this? Few months back, I drove off around Klang Valley area just to tour around show houses. Because I know I need to have a property, and I need to invest my savings.

11 am; I was at the first show house – somewhere in Selangor. The moment I entered the show house, I saw my imaginary kids (2 of them are running around). How bizarre. The house is a low-rise, low-density condo with green environment, looking out the tiny reserve forest of Selangor. Not too big, not too small. Just enough for me and my tiny little family. Although I don’t intend to have any baby soon, I always dream of having one. Adorable and smart kids. I even have their names in my mind

So on the first day of my tour, on the first show house of the day, I decided to buy a unit. I made booking and chose a unit facing the greenery forest of Selangor. I have my office looking over all the sky scrapers building in a very hectic city. So I need to have a house which over looking the green side of the earth.

Alhamduillah, the house is almost complete. Last Saturday was my recent visit to the construction site. And I can’t stop smiling having to see my dream house is coming true. Price is always an issue, but happiness is priceless.

I thought I have lost the interest of writing. Probably I was so busy, that I can’t even think of reading newspaper. And when I finally have the moment to breathe, I feel numb. I think I have done something unsatisfactorily. I think I have left something undone. Did I ?

Being a Mechanical Engineer for the past 1 year, I thought I have been working precisely, timely, and efficiently. But my technical assessment which was held last week said the opposite. How frustrating L And the fact that the assessor raising on the gender issues for about 4 times makes me feel even worse. How could possibly a woman getting into the Gas Turbine to inspect the equipment? Is that question fair for me? Please instate the start up sequence of Gas Turbine. Hell mechanical.

But at the end of the assessment, I finally spoke on behalf of myself; how could possibly a mechanical engineer like me, doing a project engineer job scope, answering all those technical question that literally meant for those who are working in operation? Is that fair? I don’t think so. Now I am disappointing with myself.

So what I have been doing for the past 1 year?

While others are targeting to get promotion as soon as possible by completing all trainings and learn by the technical ruler, I think the opposite. If the management is assigning me as a project engineer, why aren’t they assessing me by project engineer ruler? And why are they forcing me to be a project engineer, and at the same time assessing me with the mechanical engineering ruler? Is that fair?

And for these few days, don’t know why, there were few offers from others department, offering few vacant positions. Business planner, Reservoir Engineer, HR Exec, or even a PA. So, what do you think? Worth trying?

Come to think of it, I can’t have everything. I can’t satisfy everybody’s need. If I cant fulfill the mechanical ruler, then so be it. I love being mechanical engineer, and I know I need time to learn and cope with all these technical jobs. Business planner is an ideal job for a women, and for those who like to be in the office. It however, requires high skill in communication and presentation.

Eventually, I am the one who is going to decide on my own career path. I will strive for this mechanical / project engineer for as long as I can afford. Maybe, probably one day, when I decided to have a baby, I might think of moving to a soft skill job like planner / HR perhaps? Euwww…

Only God knows better…

That line sounds familiar, isn’t it? Yes, our favorite healer when we were still kids – blow. No matter what kind of injuries – kena cubit, jari luka, terjatuh – the best healer is just as simple as a blow. We, back then were thinking that blowing would ease the pain, which I am not so sure how true it is. If it really helps, then it must have a scientific reason behind it. But somehow, once the mother starts to blow on the injured part, the kid would feel OK, and start playing again.

I almost forgot about this “power of tiupan“, since the last time I asked my mother to do so. But the recent incident that happened to me, make me smile in pain.

About 2 weeks ago, Friday, 12 am, I accidentally knocked my own index finger with my own cute car’s door. How horrible. You cannot imagine how painful it was. I couldn’t speak a word, I cried for almost 3 hours non-stop. I thought I already broke my own finger bone.

So you would ask now, how did that happen?

Let me not tell you the whole detail. It will just make you confuse like what happened to everybody who had already asked me before. But I did go to see doctor, to dress up the wounded part and of course, to add more pain (I don’t know what kind of cream the doctor applied on my wound).

During the accident, I was with few friends; we were heading for early sahur. Until now, I feel very fortunate that the incident happened when I am with somebody else. If I was alone, I don’t know how long I am going to sit there crying. This friend of mine, out of panic, kept on reciting Allahu akbar and Astaghfirullah. I did not dare to have a look at my wounded finger, as I am phobic to blood and wounds. I was just squatting beside the door, crying and crying, like a 5 years old girl.

My friend had no idea what to do, since I couldn’t even stand up. And out of nowhere, I felt a cold breeze on my wound. And I suddenly smiled in pain

My friend was puffing on my wounded finger.

Until now, I still feel the pain, cannot put much pressure on it, which mean I am not able to write properly. But each time the pain appears, I would blow on the wound, wishing that the pain would go away…

Yes, this is my Test of Toughness. God, my Creator has been giving me trials so I will learn to be wiser, learn to sacrifice, learn to have such a strong heart, and learn to love. O God, I am so weak.

My life has been so easy. I have a loving family, I lived in an average life, I have been to good schools and university, I scored in my academic, I am working as a professional, I have assets,…So what is wrong with my life? I have left one thing behind.

Happiness.

I always ask myself, how do I define my happiness? Do I have to struggle and suffer just to feel a moment of happiness in my life? Or I just sit here and satisfied with what I have now. Apparently, I am so confused with options in my life.

I once passed by a man who was crying down the road near my workplace. I don’t know him, so I just took a glance at him. Sigh. He must be in deep trouble, only God knows. And here I am now, whining about my life which seems as trouble-free, but with a hysterical heart. That poor guy must be having serious troubles in his life.

And I concur that no matter hard my life is; there is always somebody out there having much harder life.

With a strong and determined heart, I feel blessed with all the trials God has given me, and will continue this journey of my life to seek for my own happiness.

Amin.

Note: For those who does not enroll Material Engineering course, Charpy Test is an impact test which determine the resistance to failure of a material to a suddenly applied force.

Lately, I have been asked to change my cute and uncomplicated car to a bigger car. ‘You earned enough for you to drive a bigger car’. So, I was thinking, why need a bigger car when a simple car is just more than enough for me? Is it because of my earning or my status as an employee in a multinational company or because I need to standardize my car cc with other friends’ car? Maybe, by using a bigger and branded car, we could tell our surrounding how successful we are. But then again, is telling people about our achievement a necessity?

So, if we think that we are clean from this status mentality, think again.

This morning, I came across a massive bad traffic around Sungai Besi toll plaza. I have been driving from Seremban 2 – KL for the past 2 weeks. Still, I am having problem figuring out what is the time exactly the road is clear from traffic. Obviously, I am not good in time estimation. Just to avoid any stressful argument with my own self, I gave up on the traffic problem. How early I leave the house, the traffic will still happen. And thinking that my sleep is far more important, I chose to endure the traffic in KL city. What a life.

So this traveling thing has cost me quite a figure for this month. I do not care much about the expenses, because spending time with mak and ayah is priceless. But traveling 3 hours on the road everyday make me wonder, when it comes to this kind of situation, did I make a wise decision buying this cute car 2 years ago?

Just for info, my car is Gold Kelisa, 1.0 AT.